Joke/riddle thread

[moonstomper]

okay, so Im a little bored today.......


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[moonstomper]

okay, so Im a little bored today.......


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[moonstomper]

since most of our guys are probably on the links today :cry: heres a glof joke:

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[moonstomper]

since most of our guys are probably on the links today :cry: heres a glof joke:

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[Shell]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Shell]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Caniac]

Disclaimer - VERY PG-13.

A guy walks into a bar carrying an octupus. He walks up to the bar and sits the octopus on the stool next to him. He looks at the bartender and says loudly " this is the smartest octopus on the planet. He can play any musical instrument better than anyone else. I will give $500 to anyone who can find an instrument that this octopus can't play better than anyone."

So a member of the band that's playing that night walks up with a guitar. He sits the guitar on the bar in front of the octopus. The octopus pics it up and plays "All Along The Watchtower" better than Hendrix. Then, disappointed the guy takes his guitar and walks away.

Another man brings up a trumpet. The octopus takes it and plays it better than Louis Armstron ever did. Again, disappointed, the man takes the trumpet away.

A third man who was watching all this says "I've got an instrument at home that that thing can't play! I'll be right back", and leaves. A few minutes later he returns carrying a bagpipe. He sits it on the bar by the octupus. This time, thought, the octopus doesn't move. It just sits there staring at the bagpipes. So the guy says to the octopus' owner "HA HA! I've got one it can't play! Give me my money".

Then the octopus says "Play it? I'm going to f*** it once I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"

:)

[Caniac]

Disclaimer - VERY PG-13.

A guy walks into a bar carrying an octupus. He walks up to the bar and sits the octopus on the stool next to him. He looks at the bartender and says loudly " this is the smartest octopus on the planet. He can play any musical instrument better than anyone else. I will give $500 to anyone who can find an instrument that this octopus can't play better than anyone."

So a member of the band that's playing that night walks up with a guitar. He sits the guitar on the bar in front of the octopus. The octopus pics it up and plays "All Along The Watchtower" better than Hendrix. Then, disappointed the guy takes his guitar and walks away.

Another man brings up a trumpet. The octopus takes it and plays it better than Louis Armstron ever did. Again, disappointed, the man takes the trumpet away.

A third man who was watching all this says "I've got an instrument at home that that thing can't play! I'll be right back", and leaves. A few minutes later he returns carrying a bagpipe. He sits it on the bar by the octupus. This time, thought, the octopus doesn't move. It just sits there staring at the bagpipes. So the guy says to the octopus' owner "HA HA! I've got one it can't play! Give me my money".

Then the octopus says "Play it? I'm going to f*** it once I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"

:)

[Stormbringer]

Disclaimer: This one's also VERY PG-13...

A guy walks into his favorite bar and hears beautiful music playing, and sees all the bar regulars tightly huddled over a corner of the counter, blocking his view. He walks over and looks over someone's shoulder and sees a little man, about 12 inches in height, playing a little piano, producing some of the best music this guy has heard.

Amazed, he hurriedly asks the bartender: "Wow! That guy is incredible! A 12 inch pianist! Where did you meet him? How did you find him?"

The bartender pointed to the deep, dark corner of the bar where a lone woman was sitting. "You see that woman over there?" The bartender said.

"Yeah."

"She grants wishes. Ask her anything and she will give it to you."

"Wow! That's cool!" Says the guy and he walks over to the woman's table. "So, I hear you grant wishes?" He asks.

"Yup. I'm a fairy." She replies.

"A fairy, eh? Able to grant any wish?"

"Pretty much."

"Well, I would like a million bucks!"

She takes a sip of her drink. "Okay." She says, and snaps her fingers. Suddenly, the room fills up with a million ducks.

The guy is utterly confused, and walks over to the bartender. He says, "I don't get it. You said she grants wishes... but when I asked for a million bucks, instead I get a million ducks...."

The bartender replies, "Yeah... she grants wishes... but she is a little hard of hearing...."

"Really?! How so?"

The bartender leans over the counter, and whispers in the guy's ear: "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Stormbringer]

Disclaimer: This one's also VERY PG-13...

A guy walks into his favorite bar and hears beautiful music playing, and sees all the bar regulars tightly huddled over a corner of the counter, blocking his view. He walks over and looks over someone's shoulder and sees a little man, about 12 inches in height, playing a little piano, producing some of the best music this guy has heard.

Amazed, he hurriedly asks the bartender: "Wow! That guy is incredible! A 12 inch pianist! Where did you meet him? How did you find him?"

The bartender pointed to the deep, dark corner of the bar where a lone woman was sitting. "You see that woman over there?" The bartender said.

"Yeah."

"She grants wishes. Ask her anything and she will give it to you."

"Wow! That's cool!" Says the guy and he walks over to the woman's table. "So, I hear you grant wishes?" He asks.

"Yup. I'm a fairy." She replies.

"A fairy, eh? Able to grant any wish?"

"Pretty much."

"Well, I would like a million bucks!"

She takes a sip of her drink. "Okay." She says, and snaps her fingers. Suddenly, the room fills up with a million ducks.

The guy is utterly confused, and walks over to the bartender. He says, "I don't get it. You said she grants wishes... but when I asked for a million bucks, instead I get a million ducks...."

The bartender replies, "Yeah... she grants wishes... but she is a little hard of hearing...."

"Really?! How so?"

The bartender leans over the counter, and whispers in the guy's ear: "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

[moonstomper]

he he he PG-13 as well:

Tiger Woods pulls his Volvo into a service station, upon exiting his vehicle, two golf tees fall out of his front shirt pocket. Having never played golf before, the confused attendant asks Tiger what those are.

Tiger responds, "Those are tees, you put your balls on them while driving."

the attendant replies, "Man, those folks at Volvo think of everything".

[moonstomper]

he he he PG-13 as well:

Tiger Woods pulls his Volvo into a service station, upon exiting his vehicle, two golf tees fall out of his front shirt pocket. Having never played golf before, the confused attendant asks Tiger what those are.

Tiger responds, "Those are tees, you put your balls on them while driving."

the attendant replies, "Man, those folks at Volvo think of everything".

[Guyute]

lol @ the octopus... haven't heard that one before. :)

[Guyute]

lol @ the octopus... haven't heard that one before. :)

[tommy]

PG-13 as well...

A man went to a bar with some friends one night. He had never drank much before, and his buddies were trying to convince him to walk on the wild side. Well, eventually he just gave in, and got totally drunk. He had gin, vodka, you name it, he drank some.

So his friends drove him home, and told him to now go finish off the evening by having sex with his wife. He never did that much, either, but it was easy to convince him now, since he was drunk.

So he went inside, and got in the bed, and he and the woman went at it like he had never done before. Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to clean up and go to bed, but his wife was in the tub.

"How the hell did you just get in here?!?!" He yelled.

she replied "SHHHHHH!!!! You'll wake your mother!"

[tommy]

PG-13 as well...

A man went to a bar with some friends one night. He had never drank much before, and his buddies were trying to convince him to walk on the wild side. Well, eventually he just gave in, and got totally drunk. He had gin, vodka, you name it, he drank some.

So his friends drove him home, and told him to now go finish off the evening by having sex with his wife. He never did that much, either, but it was easy to convince him now, since he was drunk.

So he went inside, and got in the bed, and he and the woman went at it like he had never done before. Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to clean up and go to bed, but his wife was in the tub.

"How the hell did you just get in here?!?!" He yelled.

she replied "SHHHHHH!!!! You'll wake your mother!"

[Alicia]

PG-13 as well...

A man went to a bar with some friends one night. He had never drank much before, and his buddies were trying to convince him to walk on the wild side. Well, eventually he just gave in, and got totally drunk. He had gin, vodka, you name it, he drank some.

So his friends drove him home, and told him to now go finish off the evening by having sex with his wife. He never did that much, either, but it was easy to convince him now, since he was drunk.

So he went inside, and got in the bed, and he and the woman went at it like he had never done before. Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to clean up and go to bed, but his wife was in the tub.

"How the hell did you just get in here?!?!" He yelled.

she replied "SHHHHHH!!!! You'll wake your mother!"

Oh no! :eek: :eek2:

[Alicia]

PG-13 as well...

A man went to a bar with some friends one night. He had never drank much before, and his buddies were trying to convince him to walk on the wild side. Well, eventually he just gave in, and got totally drunk. He had gin, vodka, you name it, he drank some.

So his friends drove him home, and told him to now go finish off the evening by having sex with his wife. He never did that much, either, but it was easy to convince him now, since he was drunk.

So he went inside, and got in the bed, and he and the woman went at it like he had never done before. Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to clean up and go to bed, but his wife was in the tub.

"How the hell did you just get in here?!?!" He yelled.

she replied "SHHHHHH!!!! You'll wake your mother!"

Oh no! :eek: :eek2:

[Turbulence]

So you know how the British wore red coats so their enemy wouldn't see them bleeding? It's the same premise behind the French's brown pants.

Bahhhhdump dump.


Please folks, tip your waitress...I'll be here all week.

[Turbulence]

So you know how the British wore red coats so their enemy wouldn't see them bleeding? It's the same premise behind the French's brown pants.

Bahhhhdump dump.


Please folks, tip your waitress...I'll be here all week.

[Guyute]

Bahhhhdump dump.


if that ain't a hint for you slow ones....
;) :p

[Guyute]

Bahhhhdump dump.


if that ain't a hint for you slow ones....
;) :p

[SouthernHockeyChick]

In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that
stuff".

[SouthernHockeyChick]

In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that
stuff".

[moonstomper]

LOL chickie!.....I need to add that to my "Silly Animal Jokes" arsenal! :D

[moonstomper]

LOL chickie!.....I need to add that to my "Silly Animal Jokes" arsenal! :D

[tommy]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[tommy]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[tommy]

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?

People were confused about which side to spit on.



Saddam's Bumperstickers

"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Dukakis-Bentsen in '92"

"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"

"Bomb me, I need the insurance"

"Shi'ites happen"

[tommy]

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?

People were confused about which side to spit on.



Saddam's Bumperstickers

"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Dukakis-Bentsen in '92"

"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"

"Bomb me, I need the insurance"

"Shi'ites happen"

[tommy]

One more: these are hilarious:

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

[tommy]

One more: these are hilarious:

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

[moonstomper]

those are good Tommy! :D well done

[moonstomper]

those are good Tommy! :D well done

[moonstomper]

okay, this was sent to my by a freind, Ive heards it before (I think) but I cannot for the life of me remember the answer, so maybe one of you guys will know it:

There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry. Everyone knows what the third
ONE means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday, and if you
listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.

What is it? _______gry?

[moonstomper]

okay, this was sent to my by a freind, Ive heards it before (I think) but I cannot for the life of me remember the answer, so maybe one of you guys will know it:

There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry. Everyone knows what the third
ONE means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday, and if you
listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.

What is it? _______gry?

[Stormbringer]

The answer, believe it or not, is "gry"...

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_251.html

[Stormbringer]

The answer, believe it or not, is "gry"...

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_251.html

[Guyute]

read this to understand this riddle. I'm sorry, because it gives up the answer... but this is a riddle I've seen countless times, and always slightly different wording. without the exact wording, you can not get the answer.

http://www.greece.k12.ny.us/taylor/topics/grypuzzle.htm

[Guyute]

read this to understand this riddle. I'm sorry, because it gives up the answer... but this is a riddle I've seen countless times, and always slightly different wording. without the exact wording, you can not get the answer.

http://www.greece.k12.ny.us/taylor/topics/grypuzzle.htm

[moonstomper]

Awesome! Thanks SB! Im gonna look soooo smart :spin: , and theyll never know how I got the answer :angel:

[moonstomper]

Awesome! Thanks SB! Im gonna look soooo smart :spin: , and theyll never know how I got the answer :angel:

[Guyute]

from the link that I posted:

In its proper, original form, the first two sentences have absolutely nothing to do with the question: "Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them." Ignore those two sentences. They are there only to throw you off course. (And it worked, didn't it?) What's left is the actual riddle itself: "There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."
The key is the phrase "the English language." In this three-word phrase, the third word is simply the word "language." Get it? "Language" is definitely something that "everyone uses every day"! Without that quirky little twist, the puzzle would be just another trivia question, not a riddle.

You might be tempted to say something like: "That can't be the right answer. It's too stupid!" Hey, remember that most riddles ARE "stupid." For example, there's an old riddle which asks: "What is Bozo the Clown's middle name?" (The answer is "the." Now THAT'S "stupid"!)

A final note: There are, or have been in the past, a number of English words ending in -GRY, for example, "mawgry," and "iggry" and even an obscure noun, "gry," that means a small unit of measure. (For a list of ONE HUNDRED such obscure words, click here.) Many people thought they had solved this puzzle when they found one of these words in old dictionary or by scouring the Internet. But c'mon, folks, when's the last time you used a word like "mawgry" or "iggry" in everyday conversation? The thing about riddles is, you must follow them to the letter or they just don't work. This one got messed up somewhere along the way and has become somewhat of a cruel hoax (and perhaps even an "urban legend").

[Guyute]

from the link that I posted:

In its proper, original form, the first two sentences have absolutely nothing to do with the question: "Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them." Ignore those two sentences. They are there only to throw you off course. (And it worked, didn't it?) What's left is the actual riddle itself: "There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."
The key is the phrase "the English language." In this three-word phrase, the third word is simply the word "language." Get it? "Language" is definitely something that "everyone uses every day"! Without that quirky little twist, the puzzle would be just another trivia question, not a riddle.

You might be tempted to say something like: "That can't be the right answer. It's too stupid!" Hey, remember that most riddles ARE "stupid." For example, there's an old riddle which asks: "What is Bozo the Clown's middle name?" (The answer is "the." Now THAT'S "stupid"!)

A final note: There are, or have been in the past, a number of English words ending in -GRY, for example, "mawgry," and "iggry" and even an obscure noun, "gry," that means a small unit of measure. (For a list of ONE HUNDRED such obscure words, click here.) Many people thought they had solved this puzzle when they found one of these words in old dictionary or by scouring the Internet. But c'mon, folks, when's the last time you used a word like "mawgry" or "iggry" in everyday conversation? The thing about riddles is, you must follow them to the letter or they just don't work. This one got messed up somewhere along the way and has become somewhat of a cruel hoax (and perhaps even an "urban legend").

[moonstomper]

cool info Guy! Thnaks for setting that straight, now Ill look doubly smart :spin:

[moonstomper]

cool info Guy! Thnaks for setting that straight, now Ill look doubly smart :spin:

[moonstomper]

PG-!3 (if any mods feel this is inappropriate, please delete)

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[moonstomper]

PG-!3 (if any mods feel this is inappropriate, please delete)

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[moonstomper]

Rated R for retarded

Why do smurfs giggle when they run through the woods?

cuz the grass tickles their balls

[Shell]

I'm very ashamed that that made me laugh http://wemissjerry.org/smiles/blush.gif

http://www.vetta.de/images/smiles/schlumpf.gif

[moonstomper]

awesome graphic shell! dont be ahamed, Im ashamed its one of my favorite jokes....its one of those really stupid jokes thats funny....like this one:


What is brown and sticky?


a stick

[Jeff O Rocks]

PG-!3 (if any mods feel this is inappropriate, please delete)

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

:D

Here's one...

Old man and woman renew their vows and are honeymooning at the same hotel..same room.....old woman looks at her husband and says... "George..honey...my breasts are just as hot now as they were on our wedding night"...old man looks at old woman and scowls then says.."well no wonder Loretta...one of em is a hanging in your oatmeal and the other one is dangling in your coffee".. :D

[Shell]

Here's one...

Old man and woman renew their vows and are honeymooning at the same hotel..same room.....old woman looks at her husband and says... "George..honey...my breasts are just as hot now as they were on our wedding night"...old man looks at old woman and scowls then says.."well no wonder Loretta...one of em is a hanging in your oatmeal and the other one is dangling in your coffee".. :D

Good one Mona! and thanks for the memories.. my grandmother loved that joke and told it to everyone! :)

[Turbulence]

Youngins, cover your eyes...

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."


Admittedly not my own work....but it got a chucke out of me...

[Jeff O Rocks]

Here's one...

Old man and woman renew their vows and are honeymooning at the same hotel..same room.....old woman looks at her husband and says... "George..honey...my breasts are just as hot now as they were on our wedding night"...old man looks at old woman and scowls then says.."well no wonder Loretta...one of em is a hanging in your oatmeal and the other one is dangling in your coffee".. :D

Good one Mona! and thanks for the memories.. my grandmother loved that joke and told it to everyone! :)

I am glad that made you think of someone special.. ;) memories are the best!! :)


and Turby..good thing I didn't have water in my mouth when I read your joke..or I would have spewed.............good one! :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

I received this today and thought it was cute..
:D
Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she
slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the Universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Billy, an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good," and Margaret
fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But
Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, little Billy came
to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret
fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" Again Billy came to the rescue.

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in
me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[moonstomper]

:D good one JeffO

heres one, many of you probably have heard it before......


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[Jeff O Rocks]

:D good one JeffO

heres one, many of you probably have heard it before......


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

me thinks he is trying to trade mom in on a younger model!! Good one stompy! :D

[Turbulence]

I don't know about y'all, but when I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep...not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

:spin:

[Stormbringer]

I don't know about y'all, but when I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep...not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

:spin:

Ah yes, an oldie but a goodie Turby... :spin:

[Turbulence]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red.....cherry,"
"Yellow.....lemon,"
"Green.....lime,"
"Orange.....orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them, a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said
"I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
" One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers
out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're *******s!"

[StormShaman]

A Baptist minister and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"

[Stormbringer]

LOL!!

Good ones Turby and Camille... :spin:

[moonstomper]

heres one of my favorite stupid jokes....

What did the cat say to the mouse?


"The human telling this joke is attempting to anthropomorphise us!"

[1Irbegirlforever]

this joke is borrowed from my hubby who loves to tell it over and over...it's cheesy i'll warn you!

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman. The woman, after he eyes her a few times, gets up and walks away. As she walks away the mushroom yells to her..."Hey, where are you going? I know i'm just a mushroom but if you really get to know me I'm a fungi!"

Cheesy, i know... :)

Here's another one...

A string walks into a bar and immediately gets into a bar brawl...the bartender throws him out and tells him never to come back again. the string then roughs up his hair and walks back into the same bar. the bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey, aren't you that same string i just threw out of here?" the string looks at him and says "No sir, i'm "afraid not"...(frayed knot)

Ok...not half as good as the other ones on here, but i was bored! :)

[Turbulence]

http://66.96.167.151/kidsbears/cheesybear.gif

:p
My favorite pickup lines: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I'd love to tap that ass.

[SouthernHockeyChick]

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I'd love to tap that ass.
TURBIE!!! :eek: :crazy:

LMAO

I love the frayed knot joke, BTW. I remember the first person who ever told me that joke and I thought it was hilarious....for some reason that I can't explain 'cause it's really pretty tame for my sense of humor! :smoke:

[Jeff O Rocks]

I must remember that keg line...it may come in handy someday! :evil: :D ;)

[tommy]

Here's one thats not G-rated, but not too bad.

A gypsy walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender is puzzled, but gives it to the gypsy, and she leaves.

2 or 3 minutes later, another gypsy walks in and asks for a toothpick. The bartender is still confused, but allows it.

This happens 3 or 4 more times. Then yet another gypsy walks in. "Let me guess," he says. "You want a toothpick." The gypsy replies, "No, actually, could I have a straw?"

The bartender looks at the gypsy and asks "All of your friends wanted toothpicks. Why do you want a straw?"

The gypsy replied, "Oh, well someone vomited across the street, and now all the chunky parts are gone."

:crazy: :eek:

[moonstomper]

Uggh....Tommy :eek2: :eek: :crazy: :beatup: :D


While out for a walk, a man walks by a mental institution. Inside of the fenced area he hears several people shouting "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!" Curious, the man tries to peer through a hole in the wooden fence, but once he gets close enough, a finger thrusts through the hole and pokes him right in the eye, after a breif celebration of sorts, the man hears them start yelling "Fourteen, Fourteen, fourteen!"

[Jeff O Rocks]

Uggh....Tommy :eek2: :eek: :crazy: :beatup: :D


While out for a walk, a man walks by a mental institution. Inside of the fenced area he hears several people shouting "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!" Curious, the man tries to peer through a hole in the wooden fence, but once he gets close enough, a finger thrusts through the hole and pokes him right in the eye, after a breif celebration of sorts, the man hears them start yelling "Fourteen, Fourteen, fourteen!"

That cracked me up.....I am crying here!! :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

Here is one...the men will be grossed out..

MANS REVENGE
>
> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
> sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
> that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the
> correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
> balls and a ball of string on the counter.
>
> She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
> for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
> my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
> with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo
> much cheaper.
>
> So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

[moonstomper]

Excellent JeffO :D

keeping on the theme

One day, an older salesman is giving tips to a younger salesman, he is teaching the finer points of add-on selling, the old pro says watch this....
A customer approcaches with a bag of fertalizer, the salesmans says

"Well, I guess youll be needing a lawnmower too"

The customer responds, "Why? I just need to buy this fertilizer"

The slaesman replies, "When that grass starts growing, youre gonna need something to cut it with, arent you?"

The customer agrees and purchases a lwnmower.

after the sale, the rookie and expert talk over what happened, and the expert wants to show him one more time.

A customer approaches, this time with a garden hose.

"So I guess youll be needing a lawnmower huh?"

"What? I just want a garden hose"

"Yeah, but once you water the grass itll grow and youll need to mow it"

The customer agrees and purchases the lawnmower. This time the slaesmen agrees to let the newbie give it a try.

A customer approcahes with a box of tampons.

"It looks like youll be needing a lawnmower with these huh?"

Both the customer and other employee look shocked at that suggestion.

"Well, since your weekends screwed, you might as well mow the lawn!"

[Jeff O Rocks]

cute Stompy!! :D

[Turbulence]

Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis, and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from Moscow to the bright lights of T.O. . I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support
their team."

God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Ron Francis. "And you, Ronnie, what do you believe?"

Francis stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honor and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Ron the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat!"

[SouthernHockeyChick]

That one rocked Turby!!! :spin: Did you make that up?

BTW, I believe he's in Wayne's seat too! ;)

[Turbulence]

If only I had....I got it on a Fanhome board (can't remember which one...)

I replaced Steve Yzerman with Ron Francis to give it a 'Canes feel... :smoke:

[Stormbringer]

:angel: :spin: Wunnerful Turby, wunnerful, wunnerful! :spin: :angel:

[moonstomper]

that was very good Turby, very good indeed :D

[Alicia]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole
to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way
so
he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....
MOLASSES!

[Jeff O Rocks]

very very cute batesb! :D :spin: ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

here's a good one..

Lena folded and put away Ole's underwear.

Ole took out a pair the next morning and noticed
there was powder all over the crotch area. He started to shake the powder out and said, "Darn it, Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much talcum powder in my underwear."

Lena replied, "Dat's not talcum powder, Ole. Dat's Miracle Gro!"

:D

[moonstomper]

heres one that made me chuckle

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
''Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'' he says.

''That's cool.'' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.''

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''

''Yeah,'' says Peggy Sue's father, ''Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''

[crazy4canes]

http://websmileys.bei.t-online.de/lachen01.gif Thanks for the laugh this morning JeffO and stompy.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Good one stompy...that guy thought he had hit the jackpot didn't he??? :D

[Stormbringer]

http://smilies.jeeptalk.org/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

Good one Moonstomper! :D

[CaniacPanther]

Here's one...

Ron Francis, Kevin Weekes, and Brendan Shanahan are riding down the road in a pickup truck. Ronnie is driving, Kevin is in the passenger's seat, and Shanahan is riding in the bed. Suddenly, Ronnie loses control of the truck and it flies off a bridge into a river. The truck starts to sink fast. Ronnie is able to open the door, get out, and swim to safety. Kevin is able to roll down the window, get out, and swim to safety. Shanahan drowns because he couldn't get the tailgate open! :D :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

Here's one...

Ron Francis, Kevin Weekes, and Brendan Shanahan are riding down the road in a pickup truck. Ronnie is driving, Kevin is in the passenger's seat, and Shanahan is riding in the bed. Suddenly, Ronnie loses control of the truck and it flies off a bridge into a river. The truck starts to sink fast. Ronnie is able to open the door, get out, and swim to safety. Kevin is able to roll down the window, get out, and swim to safety. Shanahan drowns because he couldn't get the tailgate open! :D :D

Poor Shanny..you shouldn't talk about him like that!! :D ;)

[CaniacPanther]

It was actually a blonde joke, but I changed the names to "improve" it. :D

[moonstomper]

While Im not usually one to indulge in blonde bashing, Panther brought em up, and this one is too good to not post (IMO anyway):

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy that made me hoot!!

[SouthernHockeyChick]

Stompy that made me hoot!!
And she's a blonde!! ;)

[Shell]

Stompy that made me hoot!!
And she's a blonde!! ;)

I'm a blond too.. but I didn't get it??? ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy that made me hoot!!
And she's a blonde!! ;)

I started to say that but didn't want to give my "secret" away!! ;) ..and Shell when I figure it out, I will let you know what it means, ok?? :D :p ;)

[moonstomper]

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Cute one Stompy!!

Another blonde joke.... DOH!! :D

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

[Jeff O Rocks]

I thought this was funny...sorry guys!! :p ;)

A woman fiftyish in age was at home gleefully jumping on her bed; squealing with delight. Her husband happens in, watches her for a while, and finally asks in a rather rough tone of voice, "Do you have ANY idea how absolutely ridiculous you look bouncing around on the bed, squealing like that? What's gives with you anyhow?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed giggling out loud the whole time,I know you mean well, love, but you should know that I just came from having a mammogram; the doctor told me that I have the most perfect breasts he has ever seen for a woman of my age... just like a 20 year-old's, he said." The husband snarls back, "And what did he say about that wrinkled up 55 year old ass of yours?" She responds while grinning the whole time, "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but YOUR name did not come up today! :D

[Stormbringer]

Heh heh heh...good one Mona. :D

[moonstomper]

excellent JeffO! :D

[Jillsdad]

Here goes nothing

A few years ago the NCAA sponsored a poetry contest for all the colleges and universities in the nation. The rules were each school was given a word that they had to end the poem with. Well they got through all the rounds and it came down to the Finals between Stanford and Texas.

The guy from Stanford won the coin toss and elected to go first. It was then revealed that the word for the Finals would be TIMBUKTU.

The guy from Stanford gets up on stage. He is dressed in the finest Armani three piece suit, nice pair of wing tips on, briefcase by his side.
He pauses and they begins;
Traveling in a foreign Land
I came across a caravan
Horses and carriages two by two
Destination TIMBUKTU!!!

The crowd goes nuts. They are figuring there is no way the guy from Texas has a chance. Even the Texas fans are resigned to the fact that they are toast.

The Texas guy stands up on stage. He has on a ten gallon hat, a pair of snakeskin boots, a chaw in his mouth. He pauses, takes a deep breath, spits once on the stage, and begins.
Tim and I a camping went
Came across three girls in a tent
Them being three and us being two
I bucked one and TIMBUKTU!!!!!!!!!

[Stormbringer]

LOL!

Good one Jillsdad... :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

Where is my thumbs up smiley?? ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

If you know Raleigh traffic, you will appreciate this one!

Women Drivers:
>
> Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
> my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with
> her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I
> looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
> halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
>
> As a man, I don't scare easily. But for some reason, she scared the
> hell out of me. So much so that I dropped my electric shaver, which
> knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
> to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
> it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
> between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined
> the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important
> call.
>
> Damn women drivers!!

[tommy]

LOL! nice one!

I actually saw a guy brushing his teeth in his car when I was in Pittsburgh three summers ago! I'm dead serious!

[Jeff O Rocks]

LOL! nice one!

I actually saw a guy brushing his teeth in his car when I was in Pittsburgh three summers ago! I'm dead serious!

:crazy: :eek: :eek2: ..if you had looked at his tag..it probably said NORTH CAROLINA!! :D ;)

[Stormbringer]

LOL! nice one!

I actually saw a guy brushing his teeth in his car when I was in Pittsburgh three summers ago! I'm dead serious!

LOL!!

As for Mona's joke...gee, I wonder if he sued McDonald's or Starbucks AND that woman for working on her makeup and wearing a bra as a top. ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

I already posted one in here today..but a friend of mine sent this to me...I had to share..made me hoot!

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, UNC-TV is planning to do
its own, entitled "Survivor: Carolina Style." The contestants will
start in Charlotte, travel up to Asheville and on to Boone. From there
they will head over to Morganton and over to High Point and
Winston-Salem. They will then proceed down to Raleigh and Knightdale.
Then back down through Greenville, Jacksonville, Lumberton -- up to
Fayetteville, Rockingham and back over to Charlotte. Each will be
driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper
stickers that read: 'I'm Gay', 'I'm a Vegetarian', 'NASCAR Sucks', 'Go
Yankees!', 'Smoking is for Idiots', 'Hillary in 2004', 'Deer Hunting is
Murder' and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!' The first one that makes
it back to Charlotte alive wins.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL CONTESTANTS!

[SouthernHockeyChick]

Having lived in both places...getting through Asheville and Boone will be a breeze! :D ;)

Good one Mona!

[moonstomper]

Heres a little hockey humor for yas

Three fans are walking to RBC centerf or the Canes vs. Redwings game when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Lightning cap on her right breast. The Hurricanes fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Red Wing fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.
The cop lifted up the Lightning cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Canes cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Wings cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Wings fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Wings cap, there's an a**hole under it.''

[Turbulence]

Hehe...good one, Stompy.

So a few days ago 5 Maple Leafs fans drove off of a cliff in their Camry on the way to a game at the ACC. What's tragic? A Camry seats 6.
Bahhdump dump.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy and Turby...job well done!! :spin: ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

Some Wednesday humor..

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.

Dear friends,

We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.

[Shell]

LMAO! I haven't heard that one Mona.. thanks!

[Jeff O Rocks]

LMAO! I haven't heard that one Mona.. thanks!

you are welcome Ms. Shell... I have never seen it either...I thought it was a hoot! :D

[Alicia]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.


"Not yet," said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.


Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and
says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Jeff O Rocks]

:evil: Good one Alicia!!

[Stormbringer]

:evil: VERY good one BatesB... http://216.40.249.192/s/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

[Kapanen024]

LOL :spin:

[Turbulence]

Horrible :D

[moonstomper]

Okay, so theres this bar and grill across the street from a construction site. Everyday a group of workers comes over for lunch. One of those workers is a duck. Everyday he orders a turkey on wheat sandwich in perfect english. One day the owner of the bar says "Why, you speak such great english!" The duck just kinda looks at him. The owner then adds "Maybe you should think about joining the circus" the duck replies "What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer?"

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy cute one...maybe your DUCK joke will bring good luck to our OTHER team tonight!! :spin:

[Jeff O Rocks]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air
and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

Wait for it...





It's coming...






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:



"You just happened to catch my eye." :D

[Stormbringer]

Heh heh heh...cute Mona, very cute. :D

[Alicia]

LMAO!

[moonstomper]

very good...delivery is key well done :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

Since it is grilling season........ :cool:

Dan and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dan looks
over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big. I mean
really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque. With that he
proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went
over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The wife chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Dan is
feeling a little frisky.He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do
you really think I'm gonna fire up this big-ass grill for one little
weiner?"

[Alicia]

LMAO!! :D

[caniac369]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

[moonstomper]

LOL JeffO! :D :D double laugh for you!

[Stormbringer]

Ooooooo...LOL! :D

[moonstomper]

with the ratio here, I dont know how many of you will find this funny but *gulp* here goes

HER SIDE OF THE STORY :

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much
about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could
tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was
bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got
back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to
break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask
him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going
through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate moment like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :

Canes lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though

[Jeff O Rocks]

:D Good one Stompy....sorry the Canes lost!! ;)

[rons#1fan]

You guys....page 3 was the best and Mona...just loved the grill/butt joke ! Laughed out loud and the other girl in the office just kind of looked at me funny... :D

[moonstomper]

heres another "bad" one......

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He
decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs, Men are like that, you know.


**runs and hides**

[Shell]

LOL!

[Stormbringer]

http://mysmilies.creativesell.net/otn/laughing/laugh2.gif

Good one Moonstomper... :)

[Jeff O Rocks]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide
as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand- daughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

[crazy4canes]

Funny stuff, moonstomper. :D

[Shell]

Political Cows

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a USbomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.


POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.


NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Very good Shell....life in France, Germany, and Italy sounds really tough...is it lunch time yet? ;)

..and Florida cows made me hoot!

[moonstomper]

well done Shell!

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with
a female roommate Vikki...During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I am not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I am
not saying that you 'did not' take it. However, the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
which read:

Dear Son,

I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I am not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. However, the fact remains that if she were
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma.

Lesson of the day..... Do not lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Italian!

[SouthernHockeyChick]

LOL Shell and Stompy!!

And Mrs Ferrera....dead serious...sounds a LOT like my mother (also Italian)!

[Stormbringer]

Heh heh heh...clever and good one Stompy. :spin:

[Jeff O Rocks]

Happy Thursday!!

********The Eulogy**********



She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she re-married and this time she had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her, he thanked The Lord
for this loving woman and said, " Lord they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

[Stormbringer]

:laugh: Thanks for the laugh Mona... :laugh:

[Jeff O Rocks]

Happy Friday everyone!!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address & sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[BretFanatic]

10 Ways to Annoy Cops


1.Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2.When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3.Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4.Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5.Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6.Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7.Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8.When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9.Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10.When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

[Jeff O Rocks]

Very good ones BretFanatic!! :D

[moonstomper]

Great job JeffO and Bretfan(?)!

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sight seeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian
tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was.

Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a
Toronto Maple Leafs hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself
from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing
three men wearing Carolina Hurricanes jerseys, roared into view from around the point.

Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the Toronto fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the fans of the Leafs and the Hurricanes, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship could serve as a model on which other countries could follow".

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well" the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

[Stormbringer]

http://66.227.101.70/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

Bravo Stompy, bravo! :spin:

[BretFantic]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
:D

[BretFanatic]

OPPS! That last post was mine but I logged in under wrong user name! These jokes all of you are posting are FUNNY! :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

**STANDING OVATION FOR STOMPY ON THAT ONE** :D I can't think of a better use of a Leafs' fan!! ;)

[moonstomper]

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from "parents" (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy...excellent...don't know which one made me hoot more....#20 is priceless!! :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

I guess we really need to be careful what we ask for!! :D :eek2:

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,
cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set our their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove
them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took
it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,went
grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the
bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and
bathed the dog. Then it was already 1.00 pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got thekids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9.00pm he was and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant
last night."

[Alicia]

Not meant to offend anyone...

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE




>
>>FIRST DEGREE
>>
>>A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
>>in the morning.
>>The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
>>listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's
>>200 miles from here!" and hung up.
>>The husband said, "Who was that?"
>>The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to
>>know if the coast is clear."
>>
>>SECOND DEGREE
>>
>>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
>>compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
>>She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm,
>>this person looks familiar."
>>The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" the
>>second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
>>it's me!"
>>
>>THIRD DEGREE
>>
>>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
>>she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his
>>apartment
>>unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds
>>him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
>>really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
>>and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
>>takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>>The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
>>The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
>>
>>FOURTH DEGREE
>>
>>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
>>capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know
>>all of them."
>>A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
>>The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
>>
>>FIFTH DEGREE
>>
>>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her
>>she was pregnant?
>>"Is it mine?"
>>
>>SIXTH DEGREE
>>
>>Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
>>sat in her US government class. The professor asked
>>Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.. Wade was about. Bambi
>>pondered the question then finally said, "That was
>>the decision George Washington had to make before he
>>crossed the Delaware."
>>
>>SEVENTH DEGREE
>>
>>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
>> her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned
>>the police at once and reported the crime. The police
>>dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
>>unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As
>>the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on
>>a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
>>at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
>>sat down on the steps.
>>Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
>>home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
>>police for help, and what do they do?
>>They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Hey batesb...watch it!! :D :p ;)

[Shell]

LOL, good ones!

[Shell]

While walking down the street one day a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the now former senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts him
to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is the club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him; everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it; I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays her arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Turbulence]

:laugh: :laugh: Classic...

[Alicia]

Oil Change instructions for Mom's

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.


Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00




Oil Change instructions for Dad's




1) Drive to auto parts store - buy oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
the process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.

27) Drink beer

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
>rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the
left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
>flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.






Money spent: Parts $ 50.00
DUI 2,500.00
Impound fee 75.00
Bail 1,500.00
Beer 40.00
Total -- $4,615.00

[Alicia]

Prison or Work?

In Prison... you spend your time in an 8X10 cell.
At Work... you spend your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

In Prison... you get three meals a day.
At Work... you only get a break for one meal that you pay for.

In Prison... you get time off for good behavior
At Work... you get more work for good behavior

In Prison... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

In Prison... you get to watch TV and play games.
At Work... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison... you get your own toilet.
At Work... you have to share with some idiot who goes on the seat.

In Prison... they allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work... you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

In Prison... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
At Work... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

In Prison... you spend time inside bars wanting to get out.
At Work... you spend time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison... you must deal with sadistic wardens...
At Work... they are called supervisors!

[Jeff O Rocks]

Excellent Shell...ain't that the truth??? :D

good ones too batesb!! :spin:

[Jeff O Rocks]

Hope this one don't make anyone blush!! :D

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to
buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her
into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.
Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come
home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid
out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless
panties she had on. She said: "Come on grandpa, you
want some of this?" Grandpa said "Lord no, it done
ate a hole in your panties..."

[Turbulence]

http://www.my-smileys.de/Bolt.gif
:sick:
:laugh:

[Turbulence]

*Bad joke alert*

This guy is working for the busses and collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half
getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus
and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's
Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's
sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten
it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't
believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's
never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are
still getting on.
A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is sent
down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair
up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The man is again sat in
the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned
man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The man eats
the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts
course through the chair blacking out Texas.
When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the man gets his job back on the buses.
Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million
trillion volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn
mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still
be alive after all that?"

He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't
it?" he asked.


"Nahh" said the bloke,".....I'm just a really bad conductor."


Bahhh-dum-bum

[moonstomper]

That is great turbs! :D :D double laugh for you

[Shell]

double laugh? It was Terrible!! I can't believe I read the whole thing ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

double laugh? It was Terrible!! I can't believe I read the whole thing ;)

LOL Shell..........of course stompy loves it.......it involves his.....um......friend!! :D ;)

[Lady J]

Something a friend sent me :)


Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Some of his more thoughtful words:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
in
your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

(a.) The ones that learn by reading.
(b.) The few who learn by observation.
(c.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad
judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.

12. AND FINALLY ... After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt
so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot
him ... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[Stormbringer]

Some good words of wisdom there...thanks for sharing Lady J. :)

[Shell]

This website is absolutely hilarious. Check it out:
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

[Jeff O Rocks]

This website is absolutely hilarious. Check it out:
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

The Fish Balls made me hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is that fisherman??? :D :laugh: :crazy:

[moonstomper]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy that made me LOL literally.................I love it......thank you..I needed that laugh today!! :D

[Stormbringer]

:laugh: LOL! :laugh:

Excellent one Stompy... :D

[1Irbegirlforever]

CHEESE ALERT!!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.... :D :D :D :D


Don't kiss your honey when your nose is runny...you may think it's funny, but it's snot! :D :D :D :D :D

[Turbulence]

:sick: :sick:
:D

[moonstomper]

really bad joke coming through!


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

He said, "Frog jump.... Frog jump.... FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

[lvscolencanes]

Sorry stompy - - but oh so VERY cheesy!!! :D

[Romney]

Moonstomper, I loved that joke as a kid. I was glad to hear/read it again.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Happy Schedule Day Humor!! :spin:

A DETECTIVE STORY - SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION:

Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankees baseball game.
They have smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real
exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking Jack Daniels mixed with
soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost
gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Using the clues given, what
inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?

Think!

Think some more!

You're gonna love it .

And the Answer is:

It's the bottom of the fifth
and the bags are loaded!

[Guyute]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is
asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock
in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and
it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and
goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Jeff O Rocks]

guyute...that made me laugh big time......I loved it!! :spin:

[moonstomper]

Great joke Guy, one of my favs.

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

[moonstomper]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Ouch stompy!! :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

This is silly..but thought it might give you a Tuesday chuckle..

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman : I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains....And the blonde said:.......... Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

[Turbulence]

Good grief... :sick:
:D

[Stormbringer]

Heh heh heh... :D

Here's another good blonde joke I heard from a friend sometime ago...

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

[Jeff O Rocks]

Alright Charlie Brown..with your good grief......I take it you didn't like my joke! :cry: :p

[Turbulence]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/565000/images/_566045_good_grief.gif

:smoke:

[Jeff O Rocks]

ok..turby...i will try to do better next time ok?? ;) :kiss:

[Turbulence]

Please do.

http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/ruinkai/biggthumpup.gif
http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/blackeye/hippy.gif

[tommy]

A man was looking for a job one day, so he considered his options. There weren't many, as he had no arms. So he walked up to the priest at the local church, and asked if he could give him a job. "Well," said the priest, "We don't have anyone to ring the bells in the belltower... you wanna try that?" The no-armed man enthusiastically said yes.

So the priest takes the man up to the top of the belltower, revealing very large bells. He stands back as the man looks at the bells. Making up his mind, the no-armed man backs up a few steps, and runs into the bell, slamming his face into it. The bell makes no sound at all, and only sways a little bit.

So, the no-armed man backs up even farther, and again tries to use this same technique. He slams his face into the bell again, and its still doesn't make any noise, but it sways back and forth a lot more.

Deciding to give it one more try, the man walks all the way to the edge of the belltowers, and runs his face straight into the bell. This time, it makes the most beautiful sound you've ever heard!

"Well, mister, you've got the job!" said the priest. The man became so excited that he started to run around and ring all the bells, slamming his face into them, one at a time. But one time, as he backs up to hit the bell, he trips, and falls of the belltower, and is killed instantly as he hits the ground.

Soon a large group of people gathers around, and before you know it, the police arrive. They walk up to the priest, and say "Reverend, you were the last person to speak with this man... do you even know who he is?"

The priest replied, "I didn't remember his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

:crazy: :D

[Alicia]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone :


The Top 17 Bumper Stickers For 2003

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an *sshole.



16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."



15. The proctologist called.... they found your head.



14. Everyone has a photographic memory.... some just don't have any film.



13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.



12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.



11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.



10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.



9. Guys.... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.



8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody, But Me".



7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.



6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.



5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.



4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.



3. Try not to let your mind wander.... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.



2. Hang-up and drive!!!!



AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER FOR 2003!



1. Welcome to America.... Now speak English!!

[crazy4canes]

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody, But Me".

:laugh: I need this one.

[Jeff O Rocks]

I personally like 13, 9 and 2.....and I agree with you to crazy. I am a wild woman in the car...people NEVER cease to amaze me how stupid they can be driving down a major interstate that runs from NC to CA. :crazy:

My contribution for today..some made me chuckle!! :D

THESE ARE TRUE STORIES FROM DOCTORS

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the
wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There
was silence. He couldn 't even read the large letter on the top line. I
turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since this
incident, the instructions no w include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in
OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.

[Alicia]

I personally like 13, 9 and 2.....and I agree with you to crazy. I am a wild woman in the car...people NEVER cease to amaze me how stupid they can be driving down a major interstate that runs from NC to CA. :crazy:

I knew #13 would get you! ;)

[Jeff O Rocks]

I knew #13 would get you! ;)

:laugh: **KEEP ALL CIGARETTES AND SHARP OBJECTS AWAY FROM MY MAN** :D ;)

[Alicia]

I knew #13 would get you! ;)

:laugh: **KEEP ALL CIGARETTES AND SHARP OBJECTS AWAY FROM MY MAN** :D ;)

LMAO!! :laugh: :laugh:

[moonstomper]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey"

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy I came in here to post and read your joke and I cried!! I loved it!!

Here goes my attempt at humor..

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts a lot. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars, a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Ernie puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Ernie
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and after playing with himself, placed the results into the mixture for good measure. Ernie hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant-twin girls. They aren't yours.. Get a
lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.

[moonstomper]

Thats great JeffO!

heres a silly little joke

There are two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Turbulence]

There are two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

:laugh:

JeffO, your's was great too! I gotta remember those...

[Alicia]

Two people working in a shoe factory were talking.
"I know how to get some time off," said the man.
"How are you going to do that?" asked the blonde.
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
The foreman came by and asked, "What are you doing up there?" "I'm a
light bulb," replied the man. "I think you need some time off," said the
foreman, and the man walked out of the factory. A few seconds
afterwards, the blonde started following him out. "Where do you think
you're going," the foreman asked her. "I can't work in the dark," she
replied.

[Alicia]

know we've all had one of these at one time or another....

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some definite havoc being reeked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Any time a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy re-runs. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke and haven't peed yet!!!

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved
one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes
look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during
the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth
in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty good about right now.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing

[Turbulence]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing
:laugh::laugh: Good one!

[ontheboards]

Here is my contribution:

What four animals does a woman need in her life?

a JAGUAR in the driveway

a MINK on her back

a TIGER in the bedroom

and a JACKASS to pay for it all

[moonstomper]

okay, heres another silly little joke

whats funnier than a zombie baby?

a zombie baby in a clown suit!

[Jeff O Rocks]

and a JACKASS to pay for it all

Don't we all need one of those?? :D ;)

[tommy]

Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty good about right now.

LMAO!!!


Loquacious Transubstantiate heheheheheh

[moonstomper]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[Jeff O Rocks]

very cute stompy! :D

[Shell]

LOL!!!

[Jeff O Rocks]

I thought this one might make you guys smile on this foggy Wednesday morning!!
:D
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas
when
her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse
and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes
the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it
echoed
off the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
she
expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and
rode
off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"I don't know. I just rode in behind him on the horse with my arms
around
his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the
woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Jeff O Rocks]

I got this from a friend today and found it rather humorous .....

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He
came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked
her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request..

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if
she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went
that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I
hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most
beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have
seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want
to go to Iraq either!"

[moonstomper]

JeffO! you are too bad :evil: :D

[Jeff O Rocks]

JeffO! you are too bad :evil: :D

I am so ashamed!! :laugh: ;)

[tommy]

I figured this could go under the "jokes" section.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html

This IS a real site... go to google, type in "french military victories", and then click "I'm feeling lucky". However, a Canadian student is behind the prank, which actually directs you on a different search:

read about it here:

http://www.google-watch.org/newsday.html

[moonstomper]

good find Tommy, thats pretty funny

[moonstomper]

Everyone hear likes stupid animal jokes, right? Good!

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."

[Turbulence]

Ha~!

[Jillsdad]

Ok here we go


An old prospector wnaders down from the hills and into a bar one day.
He saddles up to the bar and goes "By God Barkeep give me a whiskey"
The Bartender gives him a whiskey and the prospector looks at him and says "Barkeep you got any women in here"
The bartender replies "No, but we got Ol' Joe in the back"
The prospector says "No I don't go for that crap" and leaves and heads back up into the hills.
A year later the prospector comes back down and walks in the same bar again.
"By God Barkeep give me a whiskey" he says.
The bartender gives him a whiskey and the prospector looks at him and asks again" Barkeep you got any women in here yet"
The bartender says again"No but we still got Ol' Joe in the back"
The prospector grumbles "I still don't go for that crap" and heads abck up into the hills again.

One month later the prospector comes down one more time. He walks in the bar and yells
"By God Barkeep give me a whiskey"
The bartender pours him a whiskey and the prospector says "Did you ever get any women in here"
The bartender tells him again"No but we sill got Ol' Joe in the back."

The prospector thinks about it for a minute and says" If i do it with Ol' Joe who will know?"
The bartender pauses and says "Me, you, Ol' Joe of course, and those two large gentlemen standing over there."
The prospector asks"Why those two men over there also?"
The bartender replies"Those are the two men who hold down Ol' Joe, he don't go for that crap either.

[Jeff O Rocks]

I got this one this morning...it cracked me up... :D

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and The couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always
tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Jillsdad]

Snort, snort, chuckle,chuckle, guffaw, guffaw!!!!!

Good one Mona!!!!!!!!!!!

[SouthernHockeyChick]

OK....I haven't been reading diligently so if this one has been posted I apologize but it couldn't be left out!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then" ...he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Jeff O Rocks]

LMAO Angie!! :D

[nccanes]

I'm with SHC and haven't read every post in here, but got this one recently and thought it was funny:


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken
is leaning against the headboard smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The
egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet,
rolls over and says; "Well, I guess we finally
answered THAT question"

[Jeff O Rocks]

Good one Eileen...and is **JF** the egg or the chicken?? :laugh: :p ;)

[nccanes]

:laugh: Be nice.

[Jeff O Rocks]

:laugh: Be nice.

Who ME?? I am ALWAYS nice!! :angel: ;)

[Shell]

LMAO at both of those!

[SouthernHockeyChick]

OMG Eileen! That is one of the best jokes I think I've ever heard!! :laugh:

[nccanes]

OMG Eileen! That is one of the best jokes I think I've ever heard!! :laugh:

When my bro-in-law sent it it was titled "possibly the best chicken joke ever". :laugh:

[Alicia]

Friday's blonde jokes :

>WILD TRACKS
>Two blondes went for a walk in the woods. There were many animal tracks
>so they started following some tracks and got into an argument about
>whether they were moose tracks or elk tracks. They kept following and
>arguing until the train hit them.
>
>SPEEDING TICKET
>A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely
>if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
>would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
>my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
>
>RIVER WALK
>A blonde is out for a walk and she comes to a river and sees another
>blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
>other side?" The second blonde looks up
>the river, then down the river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other
>side."
>
>KNITTING
>A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
>Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
>wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
>lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
>bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
>SCARF!"
>
>AUTO REPAIR
>A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic that it
>died. After he worked on it for a few minutes, it was idling smoothly.
>She said, "What's the story?" He replied, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> She asked, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
>BLONDE ON THE SUN
>A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
>said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
>first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
>first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and
>shook
>their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
>said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
>know. We're going at night!"
>
>IN A VACUUM
>A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
>rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
>you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
>thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
>
>FINAL EXAM
>The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
>yes/no type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared
>at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,
>took out her purse, removed a coin and started tossing the coin, marking
>the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour
>she had finished, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it
>out. During the last few minutes she was seen desperately throwing the
>coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and
>asked what was going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now
>I'm rechecking my answers."
>
>
>FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
>to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
>a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have
>kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big
>oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, "The Blonde " She pinned
>the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
> The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
>brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside
>the bag was the following note... Here is your money. I cannot believe
>that one blonde would do this to another!

[Jeff O Rocks]

Good ones Alicia..I think!! :D :p ;)

[moonstomper]

nope youre right JeffO, *gives thumbs up* theyre good :D

[Canesluver]

A Woman's Prayer (followed by a Man's Prayer)

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen.


A Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

[Jeff O Rocks]

Love it Shawn! :laugh:

[moonstomper]

very good indeed Shawn


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Stompy...your best yet!! :laugh:

[Rodgloveswitcher]

Hoosier 3 kick rule


A Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Indiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and
forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to
the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer
was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him
face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot.
Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....]


The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Jeff O Rocks]

Why I Fired MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present
for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy
Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife!!!

Surely, the children will remember." The children came in to
breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low. As I
walked into my office my secretary said, "Good morning, boss.
Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better ... at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, my secretary knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out
to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis
and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I
said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she said, "If you don't mind, I
think I'll go change."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

[moonstomper]

Those two were great! :D :D double laughs for both of you!

[Alicia]

RX

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband."
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

[moonstomper]

heh heh Good one BatesB.

heres a silly little joke that made me chuckle

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four.

[Alicia]

LOL stompy! :D

[Canesluver]

This one might be a little risque for this forum, but here goes [I did change one word for sensitive eyes..... :roll: ):

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your manhood?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your manhood. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why TIMEX?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping
a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job Number One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a FORD, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my manhood is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why SECRET?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"