Christmas rants/funnies/junk - from a secular point-of-view

[Canesluver]

Thought these were funny -- but you might want to skip this, if you're overly sensitive! :beatup:


Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa



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Dear Santa,


I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!




Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,


Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa



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Dear Santa,


I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy




Dear Teddy,



Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa



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Dear Santa,


I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan




Dear Susan,



Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa



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Dear Santa,


What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas




Dear Thomas,



All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa



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Dear Santa,


Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica




Dear Jessica,



Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa



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Dear Santa,


I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy




Dear Timmy,



That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.

Santa



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Dearest Santa,


We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky




Dear Mark,



First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa

[Guyute]

F'ing classic! :D

I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
LMAO

[Caniac]

LOL

Your dad is bangin' the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

[tommy]

hahahaha brilliant.

found something else to add:



The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct):

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

[StormShaman]

For those of us with a slightly more twisted outlook on things (and for those who have heard The Infamous Fish Story<tm>):

http://www.cthulhulives.org/Solstice/fish-menplayer.html

http://www.cthulhulives.org/Solstice/bluesolsticeplayer.html (possibly one of the best Elvis impressions I've heard in a long time)

:D

[Canesluver]

To prove I'm not TOTALLY grumpy, check this out.

Reindeers & Santa band on the roof - totally G-rated, and work safe:

http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf

This makes me smile every time.

[Mona2006]

CL I got that one in email too. I lmao at a few of those. :D