Joke Thread: Version...??? [Archive]

View Full Version : Joke Thread: Version...???

caneshockeychick

10-01-2008, 08:22 AM

Just so we can have a little funny in our lives :lol:

P.S. How bout we keep any "political" type joke out of this thread mmmmkay?

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Massachusetts. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.:laugh:

Canesluver

10-01-2008, 09:56 AM

:laugh: That's great.

This is pretty much toilet humor.... but made me LOL. It's a little long-- so when you have the time, check this out:

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off
in Buffalo Gap, TX.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in West Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Old Settlers Reunion Grounds. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork . Slight jala peno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP RE MOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Mona2006

10-01-2008, 10:01 AM

CL the last line of Chili #6 made me LOL.. :lol:

caneshockeychick

10-01-2008, 10:02 AM

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

well, CL, now you've gone and done it...I no longer have any eye makeup on. :lol:

I know I've seen this many many times but I still LMAO every single time I read it.

Mona2006

10-02-2008, 06:29 AM

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
>
> She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
>
> We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
>
> We didn't know what to call her, so we named her '*****cat.'
>
> The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
>
> My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but d on't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
>
> He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
>
> My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
>
> The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
>
> They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
>
> The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
>
> A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
>
> He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
>
> 'Your wife's pu**y doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'
>
> Then he closed the door.
>
> Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

caneshockeychick

10-02-2008, 07:26 AM

:laugh:

Canesluver

10-02-2008, 08:30 AM

:lol:

That reminds me of a very true story told to me by some friends. I'll call them Matt & Emily. Emily is English (that's important to the story), and Matt is American. They're in their upper '50's, and Emily is unpredicatable and out-spoken, while Matt is much quieter.

They have a cat named Stinky, who's an indoor/outdoor cat. Whenever she talks about Stinky, she'll talk about her "pu$$y." In the U.K., people don't say "pu$$ycat" or "kitty"-- they've shortened it to just "pu$$y."

One Saturday, Emily goes out on the front porch to call for Stinky: "Stinky!.... Stinky!!!.... Here pu$$y!.... Pu$$$$y!! .... Stinky, Stinky!!.... Stinky pu$$y!!!..... here Stinky.... Pu$$y..... Stinky.... pu$$$$$y!......."

Matt said he threw open an upstairs window-- sticks his head out and yells at Emily: "Stop that! What's wrong with you!!! It sounds like you're shreiking, 'Stinky pu$$y' over and over gain. For the love of god, Emily, come inside! Can't you say, 'here kitty, kitty?!!'"

:lol:

Alicia

10-02-2008, 10:45 AM

You're killin' me, CL! :lol:

Canesluver

10-02-2008, 11:31 AM

:lol: And it's even better to hear it live, rather than read it. When "Matt" told me that story, and he was doing "Emily's" voice w/her proper British accent, I had tears just rolling down my face--I was laughing so hard! :lol:

But... I feel a little guilty laughing, actually. They both travel a lot for work, and poor Stinky got into a fight while they were away last month, and got one of his eyes badly scratched. The neighbor who was leaving food out for him, didn't tell them until they got home, so poor stinky didn't get any veterinary care for 3 days and it was badly infected by that time. I had recommend my vet, and she was able to save his eye and is doing well, now... but.. the poor little guy-- he had to have been in terrible pain. :(

Ooops! Sorry.... back to jokes! As you were....

Canesluver

01-13-2009, 10:28 AM

Always Check your children's homework:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/tonka1960/Homework.jpg

Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.
(However, now the school thinks Mommy is a pole dancer..)

<O:p

SouthernHockeyChick

01-13-2009, 10:03 PM

OK, this one actually was able to put a smile on my face, even after that crap in Ottawa tonight....

PHONE REPAIR
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p*ssing and moaning.

Canesluver

01-14-2009, 08:48 AM

:lol:

Mona2006

01-14-2009, 09:30 AM

Pissing and moaning huh? Could this dog be named Sidney? :evil::D

caneshockeychick

01-14-2009, 10:16 AM

I really, really hate going to weddings because old people always poke you and say "You're next!"

So...I started doing the same thing to them at funerals! :smoke:

puckin_A

01-20-2009, 02:52 PM

didn't we use to have a jokes thread? anyway. Thought this was funny.....

young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate this discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and
all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist feels terrible and begins to apologize.

The blonde yells, "You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm not even talking to you. I'm talking to that
little sh**head sitting on your knee".

puck_it

01-20-2009, 06:09 PM

didn't we use to have a jokes thread? anyway. Thought this was funny.....

yeah, one of the many was on the first page of off topic.

puckin_A

01-20-2009, 06:26 PM